And then some more

I can never be sure...I dont think I ever have been. And the doubt doesnt seem to stem from a lack of confidence or an extreme self doubt but a deep rooted fear,that always pops its ugly head up every time something is about to be accomplished. How do you know you're doing enough for your family? Cause after all,its not like every nite at the dinner table, we sign praises for each other. Yes, there is an untold undercurrent of love and respect which is not necessarily expressed everyday...though I wonder why? I mean if we cant tell our own kith and kin about how much we appreciate what they do for us, how do we expect the outside world to come up and express that to us. And honestly I dont think its a very tough thing either. But yes, the truth is something else.... Are we able to do enough for our children? That is something you only learn once they grow up and hopefully turn out to be fine humans and decent citizens of this world that isnt always kind. Once we become parents...

Would it not be nice for someone to take decisions for you when you have absolutely zero clue as to what should you be doing next,whether its the next career move or figuring the next meal. The meal analogy is no misnomer,mind you. The amount of energy that goes into deciding what needs to be cooked ( or even if it has be ordered from some random place),its almost exhausting,probably moreso than actually getting the food on the table. But anyways,thats a topic for another post. Coming to some of the larger decisions,that can be draining on your system. And trust me,I have been there more number of times,than I would like to have gone there.Its the worst feeling some times,especially when you have to end something or get rid of someone/something from your life. Not that its the best feeling when you have to take on something new,start something totally random of that which you have no clue what so ever on. But then ending vs.starting there is obviously a difference. Yes, but if someo...

Captivity It was calling him The syringe,the smoke, The state of nothingness, It was all calling him. Yet he stayed strong, He stayed joyous, He stayed calm. Cause 20 years  Was the time spent, In the captivity Of a substance  Foreign to his body, That transcended him to another world. And then descended him as quickly  To nothing. Today he had released himself Into the world that belonged to him, That was not loaned or victimized He stayed joyous, He stayed calm. Black and Blue Beaten  Black and Blue She stood up, Just about managing And Let out a scream It sent shivers  To whoever could hear Miles away. Suddenly, Just like that, She made it stop. The years of torture, The years of suppression. She let the bodily pain, Give her strength She let her emotional pain, Give her courage. She triumphed  And Rose Like the Phoenix. Them and Me He stood looking, Star...

Crossroads or more like fork roads, where you don't exactly know which path to follow and which path to leave behind. I think I'll go with fork roads for my situation at the moment. Crossroads would just complicate matters more. So you have done your evaluations, your reviews, your introspection and all else there is to do to get a clear vision of where your life is going to go and then suddenly, when you're about to reach the visualised destination of your life, it all comes to a screeching halt.And then you end up in a state of total shock and inertia. It all start weighing down on you. You are no longer sure of yourself , whether all that review and reading into your mind stuff was enough or even worth it. They do say that when you make plans , God laughs at them. But this isn' t about having a plan. Its about who you want to be and what you'd like your life to be. Its kinda different from having a set plan. So once you're halted and are in a state of rud...

To be able to find yourself again. And you have to know that your are lost.Otherwise there is no other way to know if you want something so bad. I read somewhere that-If you dont know,you're not ready. I have been there,so I know. Sometimes I still dont know, I still am not sure what am I really looking for. But atleast I know ,that I am looking ,that I have to keep searching. Even if I dont know,I know one thing is how it feels on finding that answer,on not feeling lost anymore. And that is the feeling of coming home after a long travel tour across various destinations. That feeling you went looking for around the world or country (whatever the case may be) and you finally found it right in your home. So for the last 2 weekends I have been out practically all day (some of the liberties you can take,when your child is away from home at the grandparents,enjoying his vacation and you enjoying yours). On both the occasions, by Sunday evening, I was pooped and longing to get back ...

So you're dealing with issues of your own heart,hearth,home or whatever it is that has made you forget your other responsibilities or other aspects of your regular life,dont forget that someone out there is waiting for you,for your response, for your revert. And you can never ever get away from that, more so if you are a parent.You will be on call 24/7 whether at work or at home or in your social setup. Unless you have decided to become a recluse and not attend to anyone else,but yourself in your life. Its tough to smile when your heart is pinning for a good deep crying spell, tougher still to be still,when your mind is wandering ,looking for solutions of  a different nature that no one else can solve for you. It is probably your loneliest moment,the toughest one where you dont think you can take it anymore. But that's probably the moment when you just have to hang in there.Thats the moment when you have to reach out , to your closest kin ( if you can know and trust who tho...

So I got to the salon pretty regularly ,sometimes to 2 different types,case I like certain services in certain places and some in another one.The services that I get done are probably least of the concern. So being a working mother and all that, I usually find time for this indulgence over the weekends only ( as is the case with most people,who appreciate grooming themselves).This basically also means that most weekends are busy days for the salons and the people working there.There's a fat chance that if you went without an appointment you'd probably not even manage to get your pampering session. This weekend a similar incident happened ,but the underlying connotation of it shook me more than anything else. I walked into my regular place,without an appointment. The girl at the reception asked me,if I could come back after about 45 mins. My desperation for a pampering session was higher than my submission to waiting.So I agreed. I went out to a nearby coffee shop, ...

Dying on the inside is far worse than dying in the physical form,cause it leaves you with no choice but to drag your corpse of a brain around and not be able to do anything. Love is the drug that keeps you from dying on the inside...whether its the love of your family, that one special person in your life, your child or something inanimate as the love for what you may do or aspire to do. Imagine having that taken away from you or it fading away into oblivion for some inexplicable reason.It can shake you from inside, give you psychological inertia and in turn numbness and eventually death of the mind and a total shut down of the soul. But once that happens how you open your system, awake your soul is more important, or whether you are able to do it at all. A lot of times after the lose of love in any form leaves such a strong void in our life that we are unable to fill it with any other substitute. Yes everyone around says life goes on and time heals everything,bu...

on occasions that is.When things will not go according to plan,when life will throw you lemons and curve balls all at once and you wouldn't know which one's to juggle or to juggle them all together. And still ,no matter how much of a master juggler you may be, you will drop that occasional ball ( or lemon,as the case maybe). Cause parents/kids or you would get sick;house-help will not turn up on days or worse,just quit without notice( could even mean your assistant at work);your most reliable appliance will break down leaving you to do a lot of work manually ( and hence take up a lot of your time);or worse still u'll lose a loved one via death,separation etc. But can you still keep going back on wheel and keep at it-pursuing the passion that is? This post is linked to my earlier one from the other day on passions and how most of us are more of Jacks than actual master of anything.Many us lose focus on our true passions,when faced with situations that are not part ...

A certain Miss Universe who rose to fame and glory by being the first Indian to get that coveted crown,and getting those plum bollywood offers,gave it all up cause she couldnt "breathe,eat,drink and live" in the movie world alone.She wanted to do more with her life,so she went on to adopt 2 girls and write poetry as well. Reading that recent interview of hers,resonated so much with me that I never realised how often I have been faced with this dilemma .The famous adage" if you love your work, then it's work no more",applies to my life and still doesnt necessarily ring true. I am passionate about my work,about being an entrepreneur,the corporate life and then I'm passionate about reading,writing,dancing, theater,about being a change-maker of some sorts, and all that's in between.  The fact that I like entertaining my  family and friends in my house and getting my son the best education (not just academics,mind you) being on my list of passions too,i...

Contradictions of life Never ceasing to exist Refusing to co-exist Yet,finding ways to create Cohesiveness between the opposites that do not attract, but retract. Balancing the obvious with the surreal trying to kock-off stereotypes And creating new images from a time in the future. Contradictions in self never harmonising. Conflicting,constricting,contriving at all times. Each face opposing the other. The outer self demanding an influence on the one thats inside. The demands not met, rather increasing everyday with the contradictions, rising in every way.

Bruised soul,Battered minds, Amazed at how things keep coming back To bite you, snarling at you. Life comes full circle, those in the know are heard saying all the time. But do even the incidents you would rather forget have to keep coming back? Why cant life be linear? Where things go from bad to worse and then take leap and get better to best And where we never have to look back. Let the bruises of the soul heal and let them not be reopened to bring membrances of gone-by era. Let the pain of today not be entwined with that of the past so that the healing progress uninterrupted. Let the sorrow of today not blame yesterday, that was not related to the days where the faces were different emotions definitely not the same. But the Bruised soul and battered minds are still the same.

My soul died inside me, My heart exploded in angst, My body exhausted itself, My mind became comfortably numb. And all this because no one heard the voice inside, that was talking louder than the loudest speakers around. No one realised that yearn inside of me,that was seeking To fulfill it's desires.